The Private Male (Part 3 of 5)

H. Norman Wright -

The Plight of Men

Look at the books written about men by men. The indictments against men have come as much from themselves as from women. Either the indictments are accurate or no one is bothering to counter them. Listen to what has been said since the beginning of the ‘90s.

Vern Becker, in his book The Real Man Inside, talks about himself and his friends, all of whom had wives who left them. At first they had blamed their wives for being the ones to walk out.

We helped with the kids or with household chores, but usually we had to be asked. Our friendships, our church involvement, even our family activities seemed to be carried on out of obligation rather than conviction. Our faith survived mostly in terms of beliefs that we assented to, but we felt little or no personal connection with God. We also felt somewhat confused about what our roles were. Though most of us pursued careers, none of us had a clear sense of what we wanted out of life, and few of us did much to find out. There was a kind of monotony to life, at least to our inner life.

In short, we lived empty, passive lives. We had little sense of our identity as men. We could be nice, we could be helpful, we could even be sensitive; but we didn’t know how to be real, how to seize the day and live out of our deepest desire. So how could we offer much of ourselves to our wives?5

Many men have identified with the following story of one man’s search. If you’re a man, is this you? If you’re a woman, does this revelation surprise you?

For much of my life, I’ve felt that empty place inside. Something was missing in me. It was as if I were built on some cosmic assembly line, and someone forgot to put in a critical part. I have looked diligently to find it. I’ve searched for it in seminars, listening carefully for the word or phrase that would make me complete. I’ve studied book after book, hoping for some gem of wisdom to leap from the page. I’ve used passionate, talented friends, attempting to get something from them that I thought I didn’t have, hoping to absorb into myself whatever they could give. But my search has been futile. The missing part has remained a mystery.

As I’ve spoken with other men about my search, most recognize my quest as their own. “I know what you’re talking about,” they say, with a hint of relief in their voices. “I thought I was the only one.” Though their stories are different, they each talk eloquently about something that is missing inside them. The search for the missing piece is varied, and what they find to fill themselves works only for a time. Eventually it fails.

My story reflects a reality that is present in every man. There is something inside all of us that yearns to be expressed. It is both passionate and creative. It doesn’t need to be learned. It doesn’t need to be created; it already has been. It is there, built into men at birth, waiting for release. And when it is released, it is terrifying. I know that now, but for many years I did not.6

It is difficult to go through life or complete anything when a piece of the puzzle is missing. What can we do?

First, we must acknowledge that a piece is missing, that an empty place actually exists. Then we must let others share the secret so they can help us with our search for the missing piece. Men were not created to live, work, love or die in isolation.

Doctors provide us with both a diagnosis and a prognosis for our symptoms. They tell us what the problem is and then what the probable outcome will be. Often the problem can only be corrected with exploratory corrective surgery—major surgery. Think of this chapter as exploratory corrective surgery. Once the incision has been made, we must expand our search to identify some of the other major issues about the private lives of men.

Notes
1. H. Norman Wright, Understanding the Man in Your Life (Dallas: Word, Inc., 1987), p. 160.
2. Patrick Morley, The Seven Seasons of a Man’s Life (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1995), p. 33.
3. Larry Crabb, The Silence of Adam (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1995), pp. 11, 12.
4. Max Lucado, Six Hours One Friday (Dallas: Word, Inc., 1989), pp. 37, 38.
5. Verne Becker, The Real Man Inside (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House., 1992), p. 15.
6. Crabb, op. cit., p. 176.
7. Cited in Bill McCartney’s, What Makes a Man (Colorado Springs: NavPress, 1992), p. 137.
8. Herb Goldberg, Ph.D., What Men Really Want (New York: Signet Books, 1991), pp. 61-62, adapted.
9. Gary J. Oliver, Real Men Have Feelings, Too (Chicago: Moody Press, 1993), p. 37.
10. David Mains, Healing the Dysfunctional Church Family (Wheaton, Ill.: Victor Books, 1992), p. 123.

H. Norman Wright is a licensed Marriage, Family and Child Therapist. He was formerly Director of the Graduate Department of Marriage, Family and Child Counseling at Biola University as well as an Associate Professor of Psychology. He has taught graduate school for over twenty-five years at Talbot School of Theology and the Graduate Department of Marriage and Family Counseling at Biola University Dr. Wright is the founder and director of Christian Marriage Enrichment, a national organization designed to train ministers and lay leaders in counseling and enrichment.

Excerpted by permission from What Men Want: Why Men Think, Feel and Act the Way They Do by H. Norman Wright (Regal Books). To purchase the product follow this link.

Visit Dr. H. Norman Wright's site.

Dr. H. Norman Wright is a graduate of Westmont College (B.A. Christian Education), Fuller Theological Seminary (M.R.E.), and Pepperdine University (M.A. in Clinical Psychology) and has received honorary doctorates D.D. and D.Litt. from Western Conservative Baptist Seminary and Biola University respectively. He has pioneered premarital counseling programs throughout the country. Dr. Wright is the author of over 65 books—including the best-selling Always Daddy’s Girl and Quiet Times for Couples. He and his wife, Joyce, have a married daughter, Sheryl, and a son, Matthew, who was profoundly retarded and is now deceased. The Wrights make their home in Southern California.